Thursday, October 13, 2005, 8:30pm SHOOTING WOMEN IN A BARREL Lately I've been hunting for an appropriate venue to test my new club uniform: a button-down Euroshirt with a reflective disco ball sheen. Ridiculous under the halogen lights of your average apartment? Perhaps. But when bathed in the ultraviolet wash of your standard nightclub, the shirt emits a pheromonal luminescence no club-going woman can resist. Why? Biology lesson: Women, like fish, are attracted to shiny and/or effulgent objects. In fact, those of you with a keen eye have surely noted that women are becoming increasingly indistinguishable from fish, as illustrated in the following scientific observations:

TWENTY-FOUR WAYS IN WHICH WOMEN ARE LIKE FISH Both attracted to shiny objects More fun to catch while drinking Neither travel well There's others in the sea and/or bar Three words: catch and release Both travel in protective groups Small bladders The deeper you go, the scarier they get Their weight largely determines their value [EDITED: My lawyer has requested that I remove this one from the blog… hint: crabs!] They get all ornery if you try to grab their tail Bears will eat either of them Sometimes I likes 'em wild, sometimes I likes 'em farm-raised You must document great catches or no one will believe you -- video preferred Easier to reel in if you let them wear themselves out first Seen the movie Splash? Case closed Cold blooded. Looking your way, Stacy. Neither can operate a vehicle They both eat things The harder they shake their tail, the farther they'll go in life Scales are important to each of them They never have to buy drinks Umm... Eggs? Duh Can hook either with a great line